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2,029 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
From now on, any jokes to be posted, are to be posted in this topic only, not in their own topics. It is causing database and moderating headaches
trying to keep track of all the topics, when we have numerous starting each day, just containing a joke or two.

While the UK-MKIVS team have no problem with posting jokes, we feel it is in the best interests of the group, to keep all jokes in this topic, which will be made a 'sticky', so it is easier to find jokes you may want to tell friends etc...

Please be reminded that the UK-MKIVS team are attempting to keep this forum clean and suitable for family viewing, a large number of members' families read the site, so any jokes which contain racial and abusive language, or anything which can be interpreted in a bad way by other members is not appreciated and will be removed.

Thank you for your understanding.

Any problems or queries, please do not hesitate to contact a moderator or administrator.


107 Posts
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road the other day?

One was assulted! (a salted????? - Get it?)

1999 Mk4 Golf 1.8T GTI | 16" BBS Alloys | Heated Recaro's | Standard 150BHP | Winter Pack | 6 Disc Changer in Boot | Climate | Everything else Bog Standard

107 Posts
Did you hear about the bloke who set up his own Bonsai Tree company?

He was so successful, he can now afford to move to smaller premises.

Boom! Boom!

1999 Mk4 Golf 1.8T GTI | 16" BBS Alloys | Heated Recaro's | Standard 150BHP | Winter Pack | 6 Disc Changer in Boot | Climate | Everything else Bog Standard

107 Posts
There was once a bloke who lived in a small leafy village and everyone in the village knew he only had one testicle. Because of this, the villagers decided to nickname him "One Stone".

Anyway, the bloke didn't like this name calling and he would get quite upset at everyone calling him this. One day, a young lady from the village called it him and he snapped, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her up in to the nearby woods to teach her a lesson. Once at the woods he stood and thought what he could do to her to stop all the name calling in the village and decided there was nothing worse then degrading her by having sex with her, especially as he only had one testicle. So he set upon her and her was so sexually frustrated that he went for hours and when he finally stopped, he realised the woman was dead.

So he covered his tracks and went back to leading a normal life. But soon after, another young lady from the village called him "One Stone" and he snapped again, grabbed her and dragged her to the woods and gave her the same treatment he had dished out ot he other lady. Sure enough, he was still so sexually frustrated that he also killed the second woman with his sexual appetite.

He then covered his tracks again but a few weeks later the bodies of the women were discovered by passers-by and "One Stone" was arrested after he left vital clues to his identity at the scene.

The next day the local newspaper headline read, "Man Kills Two Birds with One Stone!"

1999 Mk4 Golf 1.8T GTI | 16" BBS Alloys | Heated Recaro's | Standard 150BHP | Winter Pack | 6 Disc Changer in Boot | Climate | Everything else Bog Standard

58 Posts
a bloke is walkin down a beach when he see's a beutiful lady lying down totally naked. but he notices she has no legs.

he decides to walk over to her.

she opens her eyes and looks at him!

he replies, excuse for asking madam but have you ever been kissed? the women replies 'no'.

the men says do you mind if i kiss you! the lady says ok that would be nice! so the man gives her a long passionate kiss.

he then gets off of her.

he then looks at her boobs, and asks her, have you ever had your boobs sucked? the women replies 'no'.

so the man says do you mind if i suck your boobs? the women replies, no not at all go for it! so he starts sucking her boobs.

he then finishes that.

he looks her from top to bottom, looked her in the eyes and said 'have you ever been fu**ed?'

the women replies 'no'

the bloke replies sharply 'well your fu**ed now coz the tides coming in!!!!!!'

some things are better modified!

1 Posts
This is a good'n!

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was

> >showing

> > > him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a

> >rather

> > > large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically

> >useless.

> > >

> > > "This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this

> >opening, is

> > > this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long

> >quest?"

> > > "Ah,

> > > sire, just observe," said Merlin.

> > >

> > > He then s elected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to

> >discard

> > > anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt

> > > whereupon

> > > a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

> > >

> > > "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can

> >leave,

> > > knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere

> >in the

> > > device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

> > >

> > > Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he

> > > assembled

> > > all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their

> >trousers for

> > > an

> > > informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one

> >of them

> > > was

> > > either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir

> > > Galahad.

> > > "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only

> >true

> > > knight!

> > > Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in

> >my

> > > power

> > > to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

> > >

> > > But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless. <img src=images/icon_smile_tongue.gif border=0 align=middle>

1,248 Posts
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:

1 Bar of Soap

1 Toothbrush

1 Tube of toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 apple

1 banana

1 orange

1 plum

1 grapefruit

1 tomato

1 lettuce

1 cabbage

1 baking potato

1 kraft single

1 samosa

1 vegetable pakora

1 muesli bar

1 pie

1 frozen pizza

1 single frozen dinner

The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is

carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.

As she turns he smiles at her and says,

"Single, eh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies

"How did you guess?"

He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says

"Because you're minging"


107 Posts

One day, a small village butchers was open for business when a dog strolled in the door with a basket hanging from its mouth. It then jumped up onto the counter and dropped the basket. The butcher was taken back a bit by this but then he noticed the dog nodding into the basket, trying to get the butcher to look inside it.

So the butcher reached into the basket and retrieved a list which had a note that said, "Please give this dog the contents of this shopping list. You should find the exact money for the goods in a bag in the basket." So the butcher got to work and got the items on the list, wrapped them up and placed them in the basket, taking the money, which was the correct amount, and the dog jumped down off the counter with the basket and headed out the door and up the road.

The next day the same thing happened, with the butcher getting the dog the items on the list, and the dog then heading for home. In fact, it happened every day for two weeks. The butcher couldn't help but admire this dogs intelligence and he decided to find out more about the dog by following it home the next time it came into the shop.

So the next day came and the dog came in went through its normal routine, and as soon as the dog went out throught the door of the shop, the butcher set off in persuit, making sure not to let the dog know he was following. The butcher followed the dog for about a mile before the dog eventually turned up a garden path and up to a front door. The butcher hid behind a phonebox as he watched the dog drop the basket on the door step and knock on the door with its nose. A few seconds later, the door opened and a man came out and gave the dog one hell of a kicking.

The butcher couldn't believe his eyes. How could such a clever dog deserve to get treated in such a way he thought. So the butcher decided he couldn't stand by and watch this happen, so he jumped out from behind the phonebox, ran up the garden path and bundled the man away from the dog. After it had all calmed down, the butcher turns to the man and asks, "How can you do this to such a clever dog? He has been to my shop every day for the last few weeks getting your shopping for you and you repay him like this!?!?"

To which the man replies, "Yeah, but this is the fourth time this week he has forgot his door keys!"

1999 Mk4 Golf 1.8T GTI | 16" BBS Alloys | Heated Recaro's | Standard 150BHP | Winter Pack | 6 Disc Changer in Boot | Climate | Everything else Bog Standard

1,396 Posts
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back

in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another

drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a

better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a

drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin,

there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink,

they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they

take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"



3,199 Posts
Seeing as this isn't a Joke, but a fact - you'll have to forgive me posting it here:


After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had a major accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in c0ckpit.

S: Something tightened in c0ckpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in c0ckpit.

S: Cat installed.

140bhp/240Lb.ft Turbo Diesel

Overtaker or Undertaker?

Edited by - foxy on 30 Sep 2002 01:13:39

107 Posts
A man goes to the doctors one day complaining of constipation. He says to the doctor that he has been unable to go to the toilet for over a week, so the doctors gives him some advice on what foods to eat and sends the man on his way.

The next week the man returns, still complaining of constipation, saying to the doctor that it is now two weeks since he last went to the toilet. So the doctor gives him a course of tablets to take and sends the man on his way again.

Another week passes and the man comes back to see the doctor again, as the tablets hadn't worked and it was now three weeks since the man last went to the toilet. So the doctor asks the man whether he would be prepared to have an injection that would make him empty his bowels with 1 minute.

The man agress, although there is a problem as the doctors surgery is on the 6th floor of a tower block and all the toilets were out of order because of plumbing work being done in the building. SO the man would have to have the injection, run down the stairs, out the front door of the tower bloke, across the road and into some Council run toilets round the corner.

The doctor advises that the man does a time trial so to make sure he will be able to get to the toilets in time so he starts his watch and looks out of the window of his office for the man, who eventually appears and runs up to the public toilet's door in 50 seconds.

So the man returns and the doctor gives him the injection, and quick as a flash he runs out the door, the doctor watches out the window and sees him enter the public toliets in 42 seconds. So the doctor calls it a success and gets down to writing his notes. However, 5 minutes later there is a knock at the door, and as the door swung open, the doctor sees the man stood there covered in shi7.

The man then asks the doctor, "Haven't got ten pence for the toilet have you?"

1999 Mk4 Golf 1.8T GTI | 16" BBS Alloys | Heated Recaro's | Standard 150BHP | Winter Pack | 6 Disc Changer in Boot | Climate | Everything else Bog Standard

107 Posts
A man (a different man from above!) goes to the doctors complaining of a weakness in his upper body, especially his arms. The doctor diagnoses his problem and prescribes him a course of tablets to take.

A week later the man returns and the doctor asks him if he is any better. The man replies, "No, I couldn't get the top of the tablets."

1999 Mk4 Golf 1.8T GTI | 16" BBS Alloys | Heated Recaro's | Standard 150BHP | Winter Pack | 6 Disc Changer in Boot | Climate | Everything else Bog Standard

Edited by - bobski on 30 Sep 2002 14:59:14

107 Posts
There was once a man from Bosham,

Who used to take his balls out to wash 'em,

His mother said Jack, if you don't put them back,

I'll trend on the buggers and squash 'em!

1999 Mk4 Golf 1.8T GTI | 16" BBS Alloys | Heated Recaro's | Standard 150BHP | Winter Pack | 6 Disc Changer in Boot | Climate | Everything else Bog Standard

107 Posts
There was a September 11th victim recovering in hospital but there was still a chance that the man could die. One day a nurse came round and asked him if he was okay.

The man said he didn't feel too good as he was worried he was going to die and that one thing he wanted to do before he died was kiss the American flag. So the nurse promised to arrange this for him and off she went.

However, she came back an hour or so later and told the patient that she hadn't been able to find a flag, but if it was any help, she had an American flag tatoo on her behind, and that if he didn't mind, he could kiss that.

The man agreed that this would fulfil his need and the nurse turned her back against the man, lifted her nurse's uniform and slipped down her knickers to reveal the tatoo. So the man leans across and kisses the tatoo and then says, "Right, now turn around because I wanna kiss Bush as well."

1999 Mk4 Golf 1.8T GTI | 16" BBS Alloys | Heated Recaro's | Standard 150BHP | Winter Pack | 6 Disc Changer in Boot | Climate | Everything else Bog Standard

Premium Member
6,442 Posts
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but

only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA

Basketball player, the LA Lakers need me, I can't afford to die..."

So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the

former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the

world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future


She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, David Beckham, said, "I am the best and most

intelligent football player in the world, I have a great


playing football against the world's best and could win a world cup


the greatest footballing nation in the world, England, so I can't


So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a

10-year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left. As

a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last


The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. England's

most intelligent footballer has taken my school backpack.

Satin Silver GTI 1.8T | AmD Remap | Milltek | Hyperboost DV

Premium Member
6,442 Posts
Viruses and their definitions....................

The Manchester United Virus ...

This is where your PC thinks its far superior than any other PC and

develops a memory disorder, forgetting anything that happened before


The David Beckham Virus ...

This affects newer PC's mainly. The computer looks great, all the


are on, but nothing works.

The Roy Keane Virus ...

This one is particularly nasty and will throw you out of Windows ...

The Alex Ferguson Virus ...

The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on screen


runs a lot faster or slower (depending on how your days been), than


the other computers in the building.

The Fabien Barthez Virus ....

This one's not particularly harmful - but you just can't save


The Neville Bros. Virus .....

Just when you think things can't get any worse, this one pops up and

causes a calamitous error.

The Ryan Giggs Virus ...

The computer develops a processor problem, whereby it thinks it's


than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in


The Luke Chadwick Virus ....

This is a particularly ugly one.

The Manchester United Shirt Virus...

This one is especially hard to detect as it changes it's format every

3 months.

Satin Silver GTI 1.8T | AmD Remap | Milltek | Hyperboost DV
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